Beril Tokcan was a designer in Italy before moving back to Turkey to raise her family. Sooner than expected, she gave birth to twins, Emre and Denise. They spent the first five weeks in the neonatal intensive care unit while Beril, a single mother, traveled back and forth from her home multiple times a day to be with them. And when at 13 months Emre was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and she told by two doctors that he would never walk or talk, Beril decided to take matters into her own hands. The one method she intuitively felt would allow Emre to reach his potential, The Anat Baniel Method of Neuromovement, was not available in Turkey so she traveled to Canada. After seeing profound changes in her son, she decided to become a certified ABMN practitioner. Once Beril was certified, she returned to Turkey and opened up a clinic in Istanbul. Practitioners come from all over the world to work in her clinic, helping families from all over Turkey. Beril is one of the most determined, passionate, honest, and articulate women I have ever met.She describes how she guided Emre's teachers to give her son agency. She insisted that Emre learn to stand up for himself when bullied, to follow his passions, and to believe in himself. He recently earned his brown belt in judo. Beril wrote a book (soon to be published in the United States) called "I Am Free Now," something Emre said while in Barnes and Noble after receiving an ABMN lesson.
ABOUT BERIL TOKCAN
After studying graphic design in Milan and visual communication in Sydney respectively, Beril Tokcan returned to her homeland Turkey in 2003 and founded her design studio in Istanbul.
She came across the Anat Baniel Method® NeuroMovement (ABMNM) in 2012, while in search for a method to help her son, who was diagnosed with PVL /CP due to premature birth.
She completed the ABMNM Professional Training in 2015 and consecutively all the ABMNM Mastery Programs (for Children with Special Needs, for Vitality and Anti-Aging, and for High Performers). She also completed Kids Yoga, Yoga Therapy and Jeremy Krauss Approach trainings and participates in the ABMNM Professional Trainings as an assistant.
She works with children and adults at her practise in Istanbul, offering private lessons, group classes and workshops, with the mission of transforming the impossible into possibie and making positive changes in people’s lives.
Beril is the author of ‘I Am Free Now’.
Instagram: beriltokcan
@devinim
Anat Baniel Method® NeuroMovement® Practitioner
www.beriltokcan.com
www.devinim.ist
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES
(list compiled by Beril)
BOOKS
Awareness Through Movement, Moshe Feldenkrais
Hardwiring Happiness, Rick Hanson
Hold Onto Your Kids, Dr.Gordon Neufold & Dr.Gabor Maté
Kids Beyond Limits, Anat Baniel
Move Into Lİfe, Anat Baniel
Parenting from the Inside Out, Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
Positive Discipline for Children with Special Needs, Jane Elsen, Steven Foster & Arlene Raphael
Rising Strong, Brené Brown
Soft Wired, Michael Merzenich
The Brain That Changes Itself, Norman Doidge
The Brain’s Way of Healing, Norman Doidge
The Whole Brain Child, Daniel Siege and Tina Payne Bryson
Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain, Sharon Begley
Trauma-Proofing Your Kids, Peter A.Levine, Maggie Kline
HEALTHCARE PRACTITONERS
Dr.Paul Jordan
drjordan@drpauljordan.net
https://drpauljordan.godaddysites.com/
Dr.Roy Nuzzo
Overlook Hospital, Summit NJ
973-306-9388
video.popc@gmail.com
Dr.Joseph C. D’Amico
212-757-6440
Info@drjosephcdamico.com
SPML
http://www.podopediatrics.net/spml
Facebook Group: SPML - Selective Percutaneous Myofascial Lengthening
Anat Baniel
415-847-1311
scheduling@anatbanielmethod.com
Judith Dack
judithdack@uptownstudio.ca
416-481-2381
Beril Tokcan
www.beriltokcan.com
Instagram: beriltokcan
EXCERPTS FROM THE INTERVIEW
You are welcome to share the wisdom from this episode. Please be sure to credit: “Ep. 7, Beril Tokcan, Courtesy of Wisdom Shared Podcast with Carole Blueweiss.”
You have all these dreams about what's next in your life.. ... suddenly it's all washed away and you're left with a big unknown.
The gap was getting larger and larger every day. Our doctors kept telling me .... “They were born prematurely. We should wait a little more.”
There's that motherly instinct saying, “something is wrong,” but you're hoping it's all fine because the doctor is saying it's all fine.
There should be a more humane way to connect with him and see where he's at and to help him get to the next step, not go 50 steps ahead. I had no idea what it could be, but I knew there should be a way so that’s when I started doing my research,
I had no idea how much movement has influence on the brain's potential to learn and change it.
It[ABMN] works in different ways with each child because each brain is unique.
I was feeling very alone and isolated. I thought no one got what I was going through. I built these big walls around me and I just wanted to be inside with the two kids I just didn't want to have anything to do with the outside world.
I started to see a psychologist. And one of the things that she told me really struck me. She said, “You have to put the oxygen mask to yourself first,” which I found out to be very true.
I said out loud that I have a child with special needs. And that was the breaking point for me because before that, you know, of course I have a special needs child, but I couldn't verbalize it.
The ABM training was wonderful because you could look into each other's eye and understand each other and feel each other without, without needing for words, it was such a safe place to be.
I went to the[ABMN] training to learn the tools to help my son and other children, but I had no idea how much it would change me as a person.
We need to see where the child is and offer different ways for him to figure out how to get to the next step.
He's a child with confidence and determination and motivation because he figured things out for himself. And by me slowing down and by me connecting with him and by me giving him the space, he figured things out.
At one point he left his walker and started taking steps. And there was more fluidity in his walk and he opened up his arms and he said, “I'm free now.”
When he was diagnosed, we went to see a couple of neurologists and all of them basically gave similar answers of what he will never be able to do in life.
How come they can speak so firmly about things that my son will never be able to do in life? He's only one year old. It's just that motherly instinct saying, I'm going to do everything in my power to help him improve his potential.
Sports has been a part of our journey, a big part of our journey because that's where he likes to challenge himself and wants to play together with his friends. And I see that as the best therapy.
Trust your intuition in whichever path you want to take. And do a lot of research. Not everything will be useful for your child, but find your own rhythm and pace and what works for you. Don’t wait for answers to come to you.
No one has a magic wand. It's a long process and it can be hard. But it can also be joyful and fun. Just embrace it all and take care of yourself. I wish I had started taking care of myself and helping me heal earlier.
Find parents that are going through similar journey and process because you do need someone to walk this path with.
I don't believe in labels and I don't think we need words like special or unique or extraordinary. I think each child is unique and special and extraordinary..... By labeling them, you're pushing them outside of the circle.
Be open enough to listen, but then listen to your intuition and let that be the guide in your decision-making process.
The most important thing is that the child can learn and if they can learn, they can always learn more.
[00:00:00] Carole Blueweiss: Welcome to Wisdom Shared, where parents are the experts and connection inspires change. I'm Carole Blueweiss. I was compelled to create this podcast after meeting the special group of parents from all over the world who are raising children with special needs. I had a hunch that these hidden stories peppered with uncertainty, hope, resilience, joy, fear, pain, and love could teach more than just me how to transcend the quick assumptions most of us make about people who are different than ourselves.
[00:00:40] Actually, these parents had a lot more to teach me than I even imagined. Beril was one of those parents. She was a designer in Italy before moving back to Turkey to raise her family, and sooner than expected, gave birth to twins, Emre and Denise. The kids spent the first five weeks in the neonatal intensive care unit while Beril, a single mother, traveled back and forth from her home to be with them.
[00:01:05] And when at 13 months, Emre was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and told by two doctors that he would never walk or talk, Beril decided to take matters into her own hands. The one method she intuitively felt would allow Emre to reach his potential was found in another continent. So she packed her bags and during her training, the unexpected happened.
[00:01:30] Beril Tokcan: You know, I went to the training to learn the tools to help my son and other children, but I had no idea how much it would change me as a person.
[00:01:40] Carole Blueweiss: She didn't stop with helping just her son. She wanted to share what she had learned with other families. Beril opened up a clinic in Istanbul teaching the Anat Baniel Method of NeuroMovement. Beril is one of the most determined, passionate, honest, and articulate women I have ever met.
[00:01:58] She describes how she guided Emre's teachers to give her son agency. She insisted that Emre learned to stand up for himself when bullied, to follow his passions, and believe in himself. He recently earned his brown belt in Judo. And Beril wrote a book, soon to be published in the United States, called I Am Free Now. Let's listen to Beril's Wisdom.
[00:02:21] Beril Tokcan: English is not my first language, so every now and then I might get lost for words.
[00:02:25] Carole Blueweiss: With accents, I love it. Like, it's kind of nice for you to make the mistakes because it tells us you're not American, which means you have something much more interesting to say than us Americans.
[00:02:36] Beril Tokcan: Okay.
[00:02:36] Carole Blueweiss: Okay? Perfect, no worries. Let's get started. Tell me a little bit about where you live and about your family. Like, who do you live with?
[00:02:46] Beril Tokcan: So, I live in Istanbul, the biggest city in Turkey. I'm a single mom living with my two kids. I have twins. They're nine years old, a boy and a girl. My daughter's name is Denise and my son is Emre. And Emre has special needs. He has the diagnoses of PVL, periventricular leukomalacia, and cerebral palsy.
[00:03:12] Carole Blueweiss: And so you had two babies, obviously, born at the same time. And tell me a little bit about how that played out for you. It must have been very traumatic.
[00:03:20] Beril Tokcan: Yeah, of course. I mean, you know, all my life I wanted to have kids. I love kids, I love being around kids. I was looking forward to having my own kids. So, I was over the moon when I found out that I was pregnant. At that time, my husband at the time, was doing his military service in Turkey. It is compulsory. Every male has to do it. And because prior to that, we were living in Italy, he had to do his later.
[00:03:51] So during my pregnancy, he was away and I was alone. And around 29 weeks, I suddenly had to go to the hospital and thinking something is wrong, but did not imagine that that day would be the day of my delivery. So obviously, I was shocked. I was, you know, traumatized and not knowing what was gonna happen, if they would live, if they would survive.
[00:04:19] Just, you know, you have all these dreams about what's next in your life and suddenly it's all washed away and you're left with a big unknown. So that was hard to tackle emotionally because I had to be strong and be there for them. So while my husband was away, so those five weeks basically were the hardest days of my entire life.
[00:04:44] You know, leaving them at the hospital every night, coming home, not knowing if I would see them again next morning. You know, it was tough. It was rough. And, you know, obviously my body was going through, you know, postpartum changes, which I had no luxury on focusing on. So I was just completely into being with my kids and giving them love and hope as much as I could while I was with them.
[00:05:14] Carole Blueweiss: And how long did you stay in the hospital?
[00:05:17] Beril Tokcan: Only one night.
[00:05:19] Carole Blueweiss: Is that normal in Turkey?
[00:05:21] Beril Tokcan: It's not, no. It's not normal, but I just, I was trying to be very strong for them. I wanted to see them. I didn't imagine they would discharge me because I looked so okay. I just wanted to be up and be with my kids in the NICU and once the doctors saw me up and walking, they said, you can go home now. And I'm like, I don't want to go home, I want to be with them the entire time. Of course, that wasn't allowed. So I went home the next day and then did a lot of back and forth every day, twice a day, sometimes three times a day.
[00:05:55] You know, I would wake up three or four in the morning and I would call the nurses in the NICU asking them how their kids were doing. And so, yeah, it wasn't easy.
[00:06:05] Carole Blueweiss: Now, I'm speaking from experience. I had a C-section of one and there's just no way. I could barely, I remember, I had no idea I was gonna experience so much pain, just moving. So how is it that you didn't have that? I mean, or did you, and your adrenaline was rushing, you think, what?
[00:06:23] Beril Tokcan: Exactly. But I just numbed myself, Carole. It was just like, I don't know what I went through in those days. I don't know. I numbed my brain to it all. I just wanted to be, you know, strong for them. And, you know, of course it was like there was a lot of discomfort and, but I didn't want to listen to my own self and my own body.
[00:06:47] Carole Blueweiss: The power of the brain, right? And the motherly instinct.
[00:06:51] Beril Tokcan: Exactly.
[00:06:51] Carole Blueweiss: So strong. So tell me, how old were they when they were discharged?
[00:06:57] Beril Tokcan: They were 34 weeks, so we stayed there for five weeks in total.
[00:07:02] Carole Blueweiss: Did they have therapy in the hospital? How does it work in Turkey?
[00:07:05] Beril Tokcan: No, no, no, no. Unfortunately not. I mean, you know, that's one of my biggest regrets, that I didn't know more at the time, because a couple days after they were born, you know, the neurologist came in. They had brain scan and everything seemed fine.
[00:07:23] But after five weeks, you know, and having premature babies, they should have had another scan before they discharged us. Now, I know that. At the time, I did not, so I did not question anything. By the time they discharged us, I thought everything we left behind and it was going to be all, you know, rainbows from that day onwards.
[00:07:46] Nothing was wrong. They were healthy. I could take them home. You know, like just be a normal family. He was diagnosed at 13 months old. During that year span, I knew that his, I could see that his, he was delayed, because, you know, you're not supposed to compare kids to other kids. But I could see my daughter having, you know, gaining new skills, doing new stuff every day.
[00:08:12] And he still couldn't hold his head up. He couldn't sit, he couldn't, you know. It was very different and the gap was getting larger and larger every day. But our doctors say, you know, kept telling me every time I raised this question, she would tell us that, you know, they were born prematurely, so we should wait a little more.
[00:08:33] He could be progressing a little slower, but there's nothing wrong with him. Let's wait, let's wait. Until 13 months old when she said, now you've crossed the red line and you should go and see a neurologist. We went to see the neurologist and then the neurologist was angry with me, saying, why didn't you come here before?
[00:08:53] So, yeah. So that's when he had his diagnosis. And that's I call the second, you know, tsunami because, you know, you're thinking everything is okay. You leave those, you know, worried and difficult times back in the hospital. You have a year ahead of you. There's a motherly instinct saying, you know, something is wrong, but still you're hoping it's all fine because the doctor's saying it's all fine. And then you have the second round of trauma.
[00:09:25] Carole Blueweiss: And so how does it work in Turkey? In the United States, as you know, they have what's called early intervention. Is that, is there something similar to that or how does it work?
[00:09:36] Beril Tokcan: Unfortunately not. I mean, the state, the support that the state gives is very minimal. So basically you have to fetch for everything on your own as a parent if you want to do anything outside or more for your child privately. Does that make sense?
[00:09:55] Carole Blueweiss: Yes, completely.
[00:09:57] Beril Tokcan: Oh, perfect. So there was no early intervention. Basically, the neurologist told us to go see a PT and that's when we started with physical therapy. Well, first it was, sorry, first it was occupational therapy and play therapy. And then once we had the reports and the diagnosis, and so that's when they said, you should also see a PT. And, yeah, our new life began.
[00:10:26] Carole Blueweiss: And did you have to go to a clinic or did they come to you?
[00:10:31] Beril Tokcan: No, no, no. We go to a clinic.
[00:10:34] Carole Blueweiss: So you were bringing both your kids?
[00:10:37] Beril Tokcan: At the time, no, only my son because my daughter was, you know, we never, she never got, she was never referred to see a neurologist, so we didn't need, we didn't think she needed any kind of therapy until we started with the Anat Baniel Method.
[00:10:55] Carole Blueweiss: Oh, that's interesting. So we'll come back to that. Tell me a little bit about the physical therapy, because I want to then ask you about the ABM method and how they're different and why you switched over. Yeah, and I just want to hear about, you know, different culture, different way to do rehab. Tell me a little bit more about how that worked for Emre.
[00:11:14] Beril Tokcan: Our physical therapy adventure lasted very briefly, I have to say, only a couple of months. Because basically as a mom, I saw how much he was suffering during the sessions, and seeing him like that and not interested in what he was asked to do, basically because he couldn't do it. It was traumatizing for him as much as it was for me.
[00:11:41] He was crying. I was crying during the sessions and I was, I remember I was thinking to myself like, this is going to be a part of our life, it has to be a part of our life. And what good can come out from this if this is what it's called, PT? And I don't want to talk bad about physical therapy, per se. I think it's very useful.
[00:12:04] It's just the place we started, now that I have more experience and I've seen and worked with many different physical therapists, it was just that one location where we started was a very negative experience for us as a family. But now that I look back, maybe it also helped me find ABM through that experience. So I think, you know, there was a good in that.
[00:12:32] Carole Blueweiss: That's a great way to look at it. So just before we leave that, I just, can you give some examples of what they were doing in physical therapy? And, you know, obviously there's different therapists would do different things, but in your experience, in your case, for that one therapist at that time in history, what was she choosing to do?
[00:12:54] Beril Tokcan: Well, there's this very clear image in my head that I cannot wipe out. The two therapists had placed him on a roller as if he was sitting on a horse, right? So there's this roller rocking him from side to side, and there's these two buckets on each side of him, and he was asked to pick up a toy, bring it to the other side, and drop it in the other bucket. And he could not hold his head up at that time.
[00:13:23] So his spine was not organized. His pelvis was not, you know, he, there was no way for him to carry his head over his spine and the pelvis. Yet he was asked to turn from one side, pick up a toy of some weight, take it to the other side and he just couldn't do it. And he was crying and I was crying and I was like, no, this cannot be it.
[00:13:46] It like there should be a more humane way to connect with him and see where he's at and ask him to or help him to get to the next step, not go like 50 steps ahead. It was just like, I had no idea what it could be, but I knew there was, there should be a way. So that's when I started doing my research.
[00:14:12] Carole Blueweiss: He was 14 months, you said?
[00:14:16] Beril Tokcan: Yeah, around that time, he was 14, 15 months.
[00:14:18] Carole Blueweiss: And what was he able to do? What were his abilities?
[00:14:22] Beril Tokcan: He could roll from one side to the other. He couldn't sit and crawl. He couldn't come up to all fours. No.
[00:14:30] Carole Blueweiss: So they skipped right over to putting him in a sitting position.
[00:14:32] Beril Tokcan: Yeah. Because in their mind, you know, a baby of a certain age should be able to have certain skills. So they're just trying to rush him to do that when his brain has no idea where he is in space.
[00:14:45] Carole Blueweiss: So what happened after you were once again, it sounds like you were traumatized. Where did you go from there?
[00:14:54] Beril Tokcan: I went on Google. I went on Google. I went on the internet. I felt I wasn't going to be able to find answers within Turkey. So I went onto international forums, parent blogs, parent forums to see, to search for what else is out there and to help, you know, my son. So I went on a Canadian forum. There were all these different types of modalities, methods mentioned. What works for a certain child, what works for another child.
[00:15:30] And there was this abbreviation, you know, ABM, ABM. And I'm like, what is this ABM? So I remember putting it in Google. You know, ABM cerebral palsy, you know, let's see what's gonna come out from this. And there it was, you know, the Anat Baniel Method. So I went onto her website and, you know, the more I read, the more I wanted to read.
[00:15:49] And one of the moms in the forum had said that Anat's book, Kids Beyond Limits, has just been published. So, and I should read it. So that's when I ordered the book from the States. It arrived. I just read it and I read it again. And I think I read like, you know, three times over and over, and I said, you know, we've got to do this. This is it, it just like it clicked with my understanding of him.
[00:16:15] I had no idea about neuroplasticity at the time. I had no idea about how much movement has influence on the brain's potential to learn and change. But it's just like the way she connected with the children's story over story. It just, I was inspired and I was like, you know, I know this is going to help him. We should try it.
[00:16:38] Carole Blueweiss: And then what did you do?
[00:16:41] Beril Tokcan: So then, of course, I wrote to the center. I said, you know, this is our story and I'm looking forward to coming to the center. But Anat was fully booked. I wanted Anat to see my son. So, you know, she said, Anat can see him in the next round, which would be in four months time.
[00:17:03] And for me, you know, waiting for four months would be losing four years of progress at that age. So I said, if I can't go to San Francisco, then I have to find someone else. You know, some other practitioner, an experienced practitioner to work with my son. And I had friends in Toronto and I was communicating with them at the time and they said, you know, come here, we'll find someone here.
[00:17:29] And so I started researching for practitioners in Canada and I found Judith Dack in Toronto, and my friends were living in Toronto. So I said, perfect. So I started corresponding with Judith and luckily she gave an, you know, she had a place for us in a month's time. He would be 16 months at that time. And that was enough time for us to get, you know, passports and visas and all that procedure. And we were off to Canada.
[00:17:57] I had scheduled for us to go for three weeks, and I had scheduled also for my daughter, Denise, to have lessons because, you know, I was reading that it's not therapy. It's not being done for a particular reason, but it was just to improve the learning potential of the brain, and it could be useful for her, too. So why not? So I scheduled lessons for both of them, and he made progress every single day, that I ended up extending our stay for two and a half months. I just, I wasn't ready to go back. I couldn't go back. There was nothing equivalent to what I was seeing during the lessons and after the lessons. I was scared of going back to Turkey, you know, what would happen next?
[00:18:43] So I extended week by week, week after week. We extended our stay and ended up being there for two and a half months.
[00:18:53] Carole Blueweiss: Wow. And I didn't ask you this. In physical therapy, what was the prescription like, how many times a week or how many times a day was it for physical therapy? And then how was it organized with Judy, with ABM?
[00:19:05] Beril Tokcan: Well, basically the neurologist who diagnosed Emre said that he will never be able to walk and possibly not talk, looking at the injury. And she said, you know, go twice a week and hope for the best. Basically, you know, that's the prescription we got. And of course with Judith it was, you know, in ABM we do intensives, so it's 10 lessons per week. We would basically go in the morning, have a lesson, then go back home. Feed them, a nap, and then in the afternoon when they're awake, go back again.
[00:19:44] Carole Blueweiss: What about other medical interventions? How does it work? Do you, you had your neurologist, you had your general doctor. For a little while, you had a physical therapist. You have ABM. Are there any other medical people in your life that helped manage?
[00:19:59] Beril Tokcan: Emre had SPML surgery by Dr. Roy Nuzzo twice, and SPML really helped him with his mobility, too.
[00:20:11] Carole Blueweiss: What kind of doctor is he?
[00:20:12] Beril Tokcan: Podiatrist, who has recently unfortunately, retired, but he has been following Emre since he was three, and we get his braces there because there is unfortunately nothing even similar to, in quality, the braces. But also the time Dr. Jordan spends with the child and the parent and understanding and analyzing the movements of the child and how he determines what kind of assistance he needs to take into the next step is unique, basically. Once, Dr. Jordan told me that he basically tried himself every single brace that he has designed on himself before issuing to the kids.
[00:21:00] And he worked with PTs, physical therapists, while he was with the braces, without the braces to feel the difference in his own body. So there was that kinesthetic empathy he has with the child, with the support. I mean, I trust both doctors so much. These two doctors really do the best they can, with the minimal intervention they can, to help the child go beyond their limitations.
[00:21:29] Carole Blueweiss: An insurance program for physical therapy in Turkey, or how does it work for medical care?
[00:21:36] Beril Tokcan: It comes down to, you know, two hours a week, which is not enough, so a lot of families have to pay out of their pocket. So it's a lot of financial burden on the families. And also in our culture, the big family is a lot of support. So, relatives and financially, but also like taking care of the kids. And you're never alone, really. We're very fortunate in that sense. There's always, you know, the aunts and uncles and grandparents.
[00:22:05] Carole Blueweiss: Who is your support network?
[00:22:08] Beril Tokcan: If you're asking about my having emotional support, which I think is the main question there. So I went through phases. I was feeling very alone and isolated. Initially I thought, I felt like no one really, you know, I had this big support. My family, my friends around, but no one really got what I was going through, and so I built these big walls around me and I just wanted to be inside with the two kids and I just didn't want to have anything to do with the outside world, which at that point I thought I needed to. I need someone to guide me through this because this is not healthy.
[00:22:58] I started to see a psychologist and one of the things that she told me, because I was, whenever I was talking, I was talking about the kids and not about myself, and something she said really struck me. She said, you know, your kids were born to this situation. And the better he does every day, their situation is going to get better.
[00:23:23] But your situation, you had your plans and your dreams and, you know, wishes. And all of that evaporated once you gave birth at 29 weeks, so you have to take care of yourself. You have to look inside and seek what works for you and how you can heal yourself. They're fine already, you have to put the oxygen mask to yourself first, which I found out to be very useful advice.
[00:23:55] And then I moved to the next step, which was by pure coincidence. I ended up in this group doing psychodrama. I don't know if it's the same word in English, psychodrama. It's a group therapy work given by a psychologist, and it's like a family constellation, but you're not doing it through energy level, but it's more how the psychologist works with you in this group setting is you have different members of your family and you have a topic you want to explore.
[00:24:30] So you choose different characters from the group representing the members of your family. And the way the psychologist takes you through it is you get to see the same situation from the different personalities in your life and how they would talk to each other, how you communicate and you bond with each other.
[00:24:52] It just wakens you up to new possibilities within those relationships. And that's where, in that group setting, you know, we were eight of us. And that was the first time I said it out loud that I have a child with special needs. And that was the breaking point for me because before that, you know, of course I have a special needs child, but I couldn't verbalize it.
[00:25:17] I was too scared to see what would happen if I would say it out loud. But there, I just overcame that fear and I didn't realize I would feel so much lighter after having said it and having, you know, the whole group dynamic helped me a lot in healing myself.
[00:25:36] And the third phase was obviously going into the training, the ABM NeuroMovement training. It's, you know, we were a group of, I don't know, around hundreds of students, mostly parents with special needs. And it was just wonderful because, you know, you could look into each other's eye and understand each other and feel each other without needing for words. And it was just such a safe place to be and helped me transform.
[00:26:06] You know, I went to the training to learn the tools to help my son and other children, but I had no idea how much it would change me as a person. That the more you do the work, the more you come to your own self and having a clear idea of where you stand in your life and where you wanna stand and what is the yes and what is the no. So, you know, it just like, it was really transformational for me and I was reading all these quotations in Anat's website and talking to the enrollment manager about, you know, this is going to be so transformational, so wonderful. And it was just like, it sounded so American, you know? I was like, yeah, right. But then once I was there, it truly was transformational. It was the best thing I've ever done for myself, you know? And then I'm able to give it to others. So it's like, it's such a blessing.
[00:27:03] Carole Blueweiss: If there were three things that just make it so powerful, what are those three things that makes it unique and different from whatever else you've tried?
[00:27:13] Beril Tokcan: The sentence that struck me most when I first read Anat's book was if he could, he would. So, and that ties into, you know, from fixing to connecting. It's...you look at the child and where we started with physical therapy, there's this expectation of where the child should be and they're trying to rush him into that state. But if he could, he would already. And he can't. So we need to look at from a different perspective and see where the child is and offer different ways of outlet for him to figure out how to get to the next step instead of making the child do it.
[00:27:57] So those were the two concepts that really struck me when I started understanding the method more and more.
[00:28:04] Carole Blueweiss: The three that just makes you feel like it makes this stand as apart from anything else you've tried or heard about?
[00:28:13] Beril Tokcan: I would say definitely one of the essentials, the slow. It was so contradictory to where we were when we started, especially having a child who was delayed and reading about slow and looking at the child. And, you know, listening to the experts saying, by this age, he should be doing this, and by this age, he should be doing that. And then you're reading about slow and the importance of slow. But the more I slowed down to help him slow down and created this space where I started noticing more and more that I was giving him opportunity and time for him to figure out how to move and how to think and how to say a sound.
[00:29:02] So, he had an intention, which then he could turn it into an action, whatever it was. But if I didn't slow down and give him that space for him to discover and feel and sense and all of that, he would maybe not get there. So it was just those amplified moments, making these micro moments into this macro learning opportunities.
[00:29:25] It was fascinating. And the more I did it, the more I saw that he was started having a say in and taking agency in what he was doing, and that, I think, created the foundation of where he is now, which is very, you know, he is a child with confidence and determination and motivation because he figured things out for himself.
[00:29:52] Carole Blueweiss: Wow. So yeah, that's a whole different way of looking at it, and it sounds like it really puts the parent in there as much as the child. How you are as a person and how you think and feel is as important.
[00:30:05] Beril Tokcan: For sure.
[00:30:07] Carole Blueweiss: So, like you said, it's that connection. Now, I am also trained in ABM, so I'm very familiar with the concepts, but I don't have a child with special needs myself. And I think that learning about these things from the outside in as opposed to, for you, the inside out is very different. So that's why I ask you to explain, because I could never explain it the way you just did. I mean, it just is much more powerful for you to explain.
[00:30:34] Beril Tokcan: Yeah, also because I thought, you know, we're having these intensives, so it corresponds to, what, 10 hours a month maybe, and the rest of the time he's at home. You know, or he's with me. So I have to find a way to make it as useful as possible for him to integrate what he's learned during the lesson and maybe to go a step further. So, I really had to change my way of thinking and being with him and applying the essentials one at a time maybe. Because initially it was overwhelming to think about all of them at the same time.
[00:31:15] But the more I did it, the more I could step back and I could let him come forward. You know, it was such a dance between us and I found it really, you know, I was, I have studied design and I thought, you know, design is the most creative thing, but just being with the child and dancing with their brain is the most creative thing ever, I think.
[00:31:37] So, and that's again, one of the reasons also that I decided to write the book. You know, it was basically my healing process, writing about it, but also writing about the process to help other parents, maybe give them opportunity to shift their thinking and to actually take joy of being with their child and having also more say in how they are with their child.
[00:32:05] Carole Blueweiss: And what's the name of your book?
[00:32:07] Beril Tokcan: Well, translated, it is called I Am Free Now, in English. It's something Emre said. Once a year, I try to take him to Anat in San Rafael, to her center. And the last time we were there, we went with his walker and she worked with him. And then we went to Target because I had to buy a few things and I am with the shopping cart and he's pushing his walker.
[00:32:36] And he at one point said to me, you can look in this aisle. I'm just going to go for a walk. And he left his walker and started taking steps. I mean, he would take steps at the time in the house, but never outside, never in a place that he didn't know, it was foreign to him. And, you know, there's all these shelves and stuff around so it could be, you know, not safe either. But he did that. And from that day onward, every day we would go to Barnes and Noble is our most popular place to go. So he would play hide and seek with me there, or say, you know, I'm going to the kids section. You go to your section and we'll meet at the cashier.
[00:33:18] And one day when he was walking away from me, because every day he was getting faster and there was more fluidity in his walk and he just opened up his arms and he said, I am free now. And there was, there's this just joy in how he was saying, you know, like, you don't have to be with me. Because up until that time I was always, you know, walking by his side making sure, you know, because he would fall every now and then.
[00:33:44] And if it was, I would usually let him fall. But if it was too dangerous, then I would be there to catch him. So, but there was this always we were as a couple, and now he was just, we could go wherever he wanted, in the rhythm he wanted and the pace he wanted. So he was like, I'm free now.
[00:34:02] Carole Blueweiss: That's beautiful. A lot of families in the United States at least, parents are sort of on their own and they want to try anything they can, so they try lots of different things.
[00:34:15] Beril Tokcan: I always looked to make him move more and more and more. So he loves to swim. At three years of age, he started, he wanted to start judo. Now, he's a brown belt. He even went to a tournament there. So, you know, like judo is a big part of his life. He did yoga. He loves playing soccer with his friends. So yeah, he likes to move around a lot and that's, yeah. Sports has been a part of our journey, a big part of our journey because that's where he likes to challenge himself, too.
[00:34:55] So, and wants to do more and wants to achieve more and be together with his friends and play together with his friends. And I see that as the best therapy, you know?
[00:35:05] Carole Blueweiss: Yeah. And what's his school like? Is he in a school like with other kids that are neurotypical or is he in a special school?
[00:35:13] Beril Tokcan: Neurotypical kids, yeah. Because he doesn't have cognitive delays. So, I mean, I said that because even if in Turkey, since a couple years, kids with special needs can go to any school, right? But there's a big backlash from the school not accepting the kids with special needs. So there's this big fight against families and school administrations, especially if the child has, you know, cognitive delays or behavioral challenges.
[00:35:47] It's a big issue. He just loves learning and being there with his peers and playing and learning together. So we've been very, very lucky in that.
[00:35:57] Carole Blueweiss: Are there many instances where you've had to advocate for him?
[00:36:03] Beril Tokcan: I mean, you know, you always have to. There are situations where I had to do more, but I usually let him do it. So again, like the first day of school when they, when the principal called me saying that maybe you should come before Emre went to school and he should come later so you can explain his friends about his situation. So inform them so they don't ask questions to him. And I said, no, you know, he can talk about himself.
[00:36:37] He...I'm not going to talk for him. He knows himself. He knows his challenges. He knows people are going to ask him questions. And even if I do, you know, tell his friends, they're still gonna go and ask him. It's, I don't want anything to be not normal. You know, you have your circle time in the morning, probably the first day of school.
[00:36:57] Everyone is going to speak a little bit about themselves and Emre will say, you know, I use a walker. I wear braces because, you know, my muscles are not strong enough. And I have a sister and I love sports and I love music. And that'll be it, you know. Let's not make it a big deal. And the school has been very understanding with my way of thinking. So they let him do it. And the more he did it, the more, you know, empowered he became too about and to advocate for himself.
[00:37:26] Carole Blueweiss: Does he encounter any kind of bullying? I mean, he's still kind of young in school.
[00:37:31] Beril Tokcan: Yeah. No, no. He does. He does. He does.
[00:37:35] Carole Blueweiss: And how does he handle that?
[00:37:37] Beril Tokcan: I mean, of course it's upsetting for him, especially if it comes from people he knows and calls friends, but, you know, it happens and it will happen. And I can't raise him in a bubble. So he has to learn. I mean, it's important for me, for him to speak about it, speak about it to me, to his friends, and, you know, maybe not at the time of the incident, but sometime later, to talk about his feelings and what hurt him and how and why. To understand the other, you know, the friend's perspective. And that's helped him a lot. Because sometimes, you know, he sees that there's a big misunderstanding and sometimes he sees it's got nothing to do with him. So, you know, having these opportunities of dialogue helps him, I think, mature in that way. And again, you know, he will have to advocate for himself.
[00:38:34] I can't be there with him 24/7. So, sometimes the sister, if she's there, she would jump in to protect him. And I had to stop her from doing that and just let him do it on his own because she's very protective of her brother.
[00:38:54] Carole Blueweiss: Sounds like you use these instances, which can happen obviously to any child, as teaching moments. And then, he then matures and gets more ability to express his emotions and deal with negativity from others.
[00:39:09] Beril Tokcan: Yeah, of course. It's emotional resilience. You know, we always go through those phases. All of us. I do it all the time. So it's the way you look at life. You know, if it's gonna knock you over or if you're gonna, you know, stand up from where you fall off and move on.
[00:39:27] So, and not get caught up in all of that drama you know? It's gonna happen. It's part of life, but then you just shake it off and move on. But it's important, again, to talk about it and not keep it inside. That's my priority, you know, is to share it and share your feelings and talk about it.
[00:39:48] Carole Blueweiss: Yeah. And I wanted to ask you about their relationship with each other, brother and sister. How is that?
[00:39:55] Beril Tokcan: You know, they have their moments, but they never call each other by their names. We have a word in Turkish. It basically translates to like, my dear sibling, but it's one word. So there's that affection in it in the word. So they always, even if they're fighting, they call themselves to each other, you know, my dear sibling. It's fun. You know, they're very close and yet they're different. And they see each other's differences in behavior, in interests. And, but they do, they do share a lot and I think it's wonderful for both of them to have each other in their lives.
[00:40:37] Carole Blueweiss: If you were to give advice to other parents that are maybe just starting off on this journey or feel a little bit stuck or just advice that you've learned that you think would be helpful for others?
[00:40:51] Beril Tokcan: So, especially when you start off in this journey, you'll hear a lot of different opinions, opposing opinions from experts and doctors and therapists. And I always, you know, tell my families, too. It's the mother's instinct. The gut feeling is it's the strongest. So I would trust that, you know, you know what's going to be best for your child, always. And it never fails. So that would be the first one. Just trust your intuition.
[00:41:24] Carole Blueweiss: I find that it's a bit of a paradox because I understand that parents know their children the best. On the other hand, you have people that, let's say like yourself, who are having an ABM session with a parent, and you are making suggestions to the parent to be a little bit different. And many parents might be like, well, who are you to tell me what I should do with my child if they have the attitude that I know what's best for my child? So there's that sort of paradox in that advice. How can you be open-minded to new ideas about your child if you are the expert on your child?
[00:42:06] Beril Tokcan: What I meant was whatever information you get from the outside, listen to your gut. That will tell you if what you're hearing might be a possibility for you and your child or not. It's when you strict opinion about something, it's very hard to get new feedback and new information. What I'm saying is be open enough to listen, but then listen to your, you know, intuition and let that be the guide in your decision-making process. Yeah, does make sense?
[00:42:43] Carole Blueweiss: Completely. What you just said really clarifies it, that it's not black and white. It's more about that you trust yourself more than anybody else.
[00:42:53] Beril Tokcan: Exactly.
[00:42:53] Carole Blueweiss: That doesn't mean that you can't be open to what other people say, but the bottom line is you have to believe in it and no one's gonna tell you what's better.
[00:43:03] Beril Tokcan: And also, I also encourage parents because I, that's something I've done too, is keep a journal. From first day onward, I had several journals. It's good to write about what the child can do at that time, and then, you know, the feedback you get from different specialists, different experts, therapists, whatever, you know, suggestions for your child. I always took notes about that. And then every now and then you look back and you see from the suggestions you get where the child was and where he is now, and you see the progress and it just, it either makes sense or it doesn't make sense. Again, no one has the magic wand. I always tell parents, you know, you can try different things.
[00:43:49] If the child is happy and peaceful and safe while they're doing whatever they're doing, if you are seeing progress with whatever you're doing, obviously it makes sense that you do it. You know, so having that open-mindedness and also having the journal where you can actually backtrack. Because, you know, it's a rollercoaster ride sometimes as a parent, apart from, you know, all the expert's opinions and, you know, you always question, am I doing the right thing? Am I doing enough? Is there more that I can do? What else can I do?
[00:44:27] You know, there's always, no matter at the age of the child, there's still moments where I debate with myself even though he's nine years old and, you know, we've had a lot of experience in these last, you know, nine years. Going through the journal and seeing that, it gives you hope again, it brings you to your feet again. You know, you get inspired again and you believe in whatever you're doing more. So, I think it's very useful to have a journal.
[00:44:59] Carole Blueweiss: That's a great suggestion.
[00:45:00] Beril Tokcan: You know, to find your own rhythm and pace and what works for you. You will have to do your own research and not wait for answers to come to you. You know, knowledge is power. Learn a lot. That will give you a foundation to be able to advocate for your child and know what's best for your child. Not everything will be useful for your child, or doing a lot will necessarily make it so that he improves faster or better. But no one has a magic wand.
[00:45:34] It's a process. It's a long process and it can be hard. It can be disappointing at times, you know, but it can, it is also, you know, joyful and fun. And inspiring. And I think the best way to deal with it is to embrace it all with all the, you know, negative aspects and also the positive aspects because it's your new life and it's your normal now.
[00:46:00] So, just yeah, just embrace it all. And take care of yourself. I did that later. You know, I wish I had started taking care of myself and helping me heal earlier. Again, the ABM training had a huge impact in me going forward emotionally.
[00:46:21] Carole Blueweiss: What do you do to take care of yourself?
[00:46:24] Beril Tokcan: Now, I love taking long walks. I love being a part of new trainings. I'm an assistant in the ABM trainings, but it also gives me a break from everything. You know, I go there for 11, 12 days. It's like my retreat. I met a lot of wonderful parents along the way, and they've become, you know, we've become very close and we share a lot. So yeah, that would be another advice, actually, to find parents that are going through similar journeys, processes around you, because you do, you need someone to walk this path with.
[00:47:01] Carole Blueweiss: How do you feel about the label of children with special needs?
[00:47:05] Beril Tokcan: That's a chapter in my book. In Turkish, we do have the label children with special needs. I don't like using that. I don't believe in labels and I don't believe in labeling kids. So extraordinary, unique, special, you know, it just puts them in a different place and I don't think they should. They should be normal. They, I mean, they are normal. Why do we need an adjective to speak about them? It's just how they are. The progress they're making, the developmental process is different compared to, you know, typical developing kids, but you don't need an adjective to label that.
[00:47:49] Carole Blueweiss: You feel like it makes it like there's something wrong with the kid?
[00:47:53] Beril Tokcan: Yeah, not even wrong, it's just putting it outside the normal. You know, why? This is normal. We're all different. I mean, of course they have different challenges and needs and I'm always looking from the child's perspective. You know, it just, they take themselves out of the common group and we don't need that. We're trying to get all kids in an inclusive environment and by labeling them, you're just like, I feel like you're just pushing them outside of the circle. So I don't think we need words like special or unique or extraordinary. I think each child is unique and special and extraordinary.
[00:48:31] Carole Blueweiss: The whole idea of process. How do you deal with parents' expectations of some kind of quick fix desire versus the idea that in the long run, or it's gonna take a while, it's a process. Have you found that you're successful with helping people see that or do people see that already? What has been your experience?
[00:48:56] Beril Tokcan: People who come to me do know about our process, mostly. So Emre is now nine years old. He started taking his first steps when he was six. You know, he still has balance issues, he still has his challenges. So, it is a process. So families who come to me already know that, you know, and we've been doing ABM for eight years and we've seen miracles day after day. But, you know, it's a journey. So, you know, Anat has that, you know it too, there is no small change or big change. Change is change. So I always emphasize that to parents.
[00:49:36] It's being a detective and looking out for those little subtle changes in the child. Because the most important thing is that the child can learn and if they can learn, you know, they can always learn more. So, and, you know, the flexible goals is another essential that I always ask the parents to read about in Kids Beyond Limits, because, you know, we all have our dreams and our expectations and our goals, but you have to be also prepared to be flexible in those goals.
[00:50:10] Otherwise, if you're just like fixated on one thing, you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life. And I'm not just talking about, you know, having a child with special needs. It goes out for anything. So it is a long process. I mean, you know, they see it again with my son and our journey, and they know it's not going to change from one day to the other.
[00:50:30] But once you get the families to start seeing those little changes, they start having more joy in their lives. You know, their family lives, because they learn to celebrate those little changes, and I think that helps them change their perspective in how they be with their kids and just have more faith in the process and whatever they're doing.
[00:51:00] So I think that's the most important thing. One of the most important thing as practitioners dealing with families is to teach them to look out for little changes and be detectives in looking out for those little changes.
[00:51:15] Carole Blueweiss: And do people ask you often, like, how long is this gonna take? And what do you say to that kind of question?
[00:51:22] Beril Tokcan: What I tell families who just start with ABM is, let's do, you know, three rounds of intensives and then sit down and have a talk. You know, what changes do you see? What changes do I see? And if they want to go forward or not, just to have a more honest dialogue with the parents. Every time I went to see Anat, I would ask her, you know, if he's going to walk or not. And she would just laugh at me and say, you know, I don't know.
[00:51:50] I'm doing everything I can in my power to help his brain change and light the foundations for that. But it has to come from him. So, and I always found that answer very honest. You know, because the neurologist who told me that he will never be able to walk was again being a fortune teller.
[00:52:15] And, no one knows. No one knows the power of the brain. So I can't, I don't make any promises to families. I always say this is a process, It's a long process, but if there's change, there's potential for more change. So just, you know, be in the process.
[00:52:33] Carole Blueweiss: Do you have anything you'd like to say? Anything I haven't not asked you?
[00:52:37] Beril Tokcan: Well, I have a center in Istanbul and up until the start of the pandemic, every month I had either one or two visiting practitioners that come and work with me, with families and kids. So, it was an up and running quite busy center at the time. Now, unfortunately, we can't have visiting practitioners, so it's only me. But I'm hoping these days will be over at some point. And, you know, back to the old way.
[00:53:07] Carole Blueweiss: You're very generous with your time.
[00:53:10] Beril Tokcan: No, it was fun. I hope it was useful.
[00:53:12] Carole Blueweiss: Oh my, fantastic. No, no. Great. And I, you know, you've said so many great things in so many different ways that are really powerful, I mean.
[00:53:20] Beril Tokcan: Oh, good.
[00:53:20] Carole Blueweiss: I've met you, of course, but not for long conversations, but, you know, people talk about you a lot, just so you know, like in a very positive, positive, positive way.
[00:53:28] Beril Tokcan: Oh, I hope so.
[00:53:30] Carole Blueweiss: Yeah. No, no. Like you're kind of like famous out there as somebody who's really breaking ground and, you know, doing great work and yeah.
[00:53:40] Beril Tokcan: You know, I just knew this is going to be our, you know, driving engine, this method and the principles and so I just went for it. I'm working with my son with this method only. So, why would I do that to my own child if it's not, if it's not working, you know?
[00:54:00] Carole Blueweiss: Thank you so much.
[00:54:01] Beril Tokcan: Okay. Thank you so much, Carole.
[00:54:10] Carole Blueweiss: Beril writes in her book, I Am Free Now, "I designed my graduation thesis in 2003, coincidentally on Wabisabi, a Japanese philosophy of life that dates back to ancient times. Wabisabi is an understanding of being able to see the beauty within the imperfection. Instead of seeing perfection, it is seeing the value of the flaw, knowing it, loving it as it is, and finding it beautiful, how well it fits with our new life path."
[00:54:42] Thanks for listening everybody to Wisdom Shared. For links and resources related to everything mentioned today, visit the show notes on caroleblueweiss.com. If you'd like to support this podcast, the easiest and most impactful thing you can do is subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, on Spotify, or wherever you listen.
[00:55:03] That way you can receive wisdom every month. Sharing the show with friends or with social media is always appreciated. A final piece of wisdom in Beril's words, from I Am Free Now: "No matter how difficult, tiring, and dark the process may be for the moment, it brings light with it over time."